Friday, October 5, 2012

Congrats, I Hope You Like Pee

You know what I hate? Pee. I am sick to death of pee. Not mine of course. My pee is fine. I put it in the appropriate receptacle. I think the next time a friend exclaims in her zealously, novice voice she's pregnant, instead of the traditional congratulatory words, all I'm going to say is, "I hope you like pee."

From the moment you laboriously push the babe from your nether regions you are inundated with urine. I should have expected it. I'd heard the story countless times. The first moment my father held all 8lbs 7oz of beautiful baby me, I peed on him. All down his side and his leg. There's even a picture to prove it.

Alice was no different than any other baby. She peed nearly every time she had her diaper changed. Luckily, she was a she and her pee didn't, um, go anywhere. It still made a puddle to be cleaned.

Potty training brought new mess. Lucky for us, (is the sarcasm font working?) when Alice was 19 months old she wanted to be just like her slightly older best friend who just got an Elmo potty seat and Cookie Monster big boy underwear. Her body wasn't quite ready, but she had made up her stubborn, bullheaded mind. She was getting herself some Zoe big girl underwear and a Dora potty seat. I invested in large quantities of rug cleaner and away we went. We arrived at her two year well check up in said underwear.

After such a momentous achievement, I thought we were in the clear on the urine front. Nope. We still had the night time potty training task ahead of us. Many, many, MANY loads of laundry later and she was done. A bonafide kid. Not a baby. Not a toddler. A real kid.

So the next logical question is why, oh God, why am I still cleaning up pee?! She's four freakin years old! She's been at this for over two years now. It's not hard, really. YOU PUT YOUR MOTHER LOVIN PEE IN THE EFFING POTTY!! One would think, after awhile it would be second nature, like eating and breathing. Never am I tempted to pee in the recliner because I'm too engrossed in Pinterest to get up.

You can imagine my displeasure when Alice woke me up the other night.

"Mama. My shirt's wet."

"Alice. Your shirt's wet because you peed in my bed. You're soaked in pee. Alice. Get up. Go get clean clothes...Alice, please. Get out of my bed. I've got to change the sheets."

That's right she was in my bed. Operation "Big Girls Sleep In Big Girl Beds" has only partially worked. She starts the night out in her own bed and whenever she feels like it, she meanders into my bed. This night she decided to meander into my bed and pee. You know why crib mattresses have a waterproof top surface? Pee. You know who's mattress doesn't have a waterproof top surface? Mine. The next day, when I properly stripped the mattress down it's like a Picaso in pee. My mattress that I once loved so dearly, now belongs in a frat house. Do you know how many loads of laundry I have to do every time she pees in my bed? Four. That's right. The mattress pad, the sheets, the duvet, and finally the cover. I HATE PEE!!

Can you even guess what greeted me when I picked Alice up at school, after I had spent the entire morning trying to sanitize my mattress? A baggie with pee pants inside. She had her first accident at school. On one hand I felt for her. She's made real friends at school and I imagine she didn't enjoy wetting herself in front of them. On the other hand...ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME WITH THE PEE, CHILD!!


  1. Ahhhhhh....pee. My youngest tried to pee in the sink a few days ago.

    1. Snicker. AJ is always good for a laugh, since I'm safely on the other side of the country. ;) That being said, my own boy-child extracted and ate his own belly button lint a couple of days ago, so I probably shouldn't laugh too hard.

  2. Oh, how I feel for you. One of the 3 is potty trained, but still has the occasional accident. The other 2 think of the potty as more of a toy than a tool, and that's just wrong. Today, one of them was sitting on the little potty in the play room when she decided, midstream, to stand up and be done. The thing is, she didn't stop peeing first. In fact, I think she kicked things up a notch when she stood. I had to push her back onto the potty and hold her there until she was done.

    I have to say, of all the bodily fluids snot is my least favorite. No idea why, it just gives me the heebie jeebies.

    1. You feel for me? You've got three pee-ers to clean up after.

  3. Gabe is 2.5, and is in the midst of potty training. Trinity was like Alice; at 18 months she decided she wanted to use the potty, and pretty much trained herself. We didn't even have to buy a kiddie potty for her. Gabe is work. Josh has been working with him to "aim it" into the potty (seated), so the pee doesn't go everywhere. But he tends to hold himself a bit too low, which results in a pee stream that resembles water fanning out from a garden hose when you put your finger over the top... Sigh.

    1. Yeah, Alice did that the other day and she's a girl. I was sitting in front of her reading her a book and, sitting on the potty, she peed on me. Good times.