Thursday, May 9, 2013

Witch Bitch

"I have a joke Mama. Wanna hear it?" Alice asked lying next to me in bed.

"Tell it fast, it's time to sleep," I told her.

"Witch bitch. Isn't that funny Mama? Cause witch rhymes with bitch."

I had no idea what to say. The only funny part of the joke was hearing my four year old say bitch.

"You know that buh word you said after witch?"


"We don't say that word, Alice."

"Why not?" she asked. With no reason up to this point, we hadn't ventured into curse word territory yet.

"You know how we don't say hate or stupid because they aren't nice words? The b word is like that. It's a mean word," I tried explaining.

"Well then, it's okay because the witch is mean. So witch bitch is fine."

She had a point. I was realizing the concept of curse words is very abstract.

"Alice, that word is so bad it hurts people's feelings when you say it. It makes people very sad if you call them that word."

"What if I had said witch bitch at school? I wouldn't have known it was bad and if I'd asked my teachers they might have thought I was calling them a witch bitch?"

Now I think she was on a mission to say bitch as many times as she could.

"Don't say that word at school, Alice. Not to your teachers or your friends. You don't want to hurt anyone's. feelings."

So that's that. Alice said bitch for the first time. Actually she said it for the first, second, third, felt like she was never going to stop. I didn't laugh, I played it cool, but inside I was dying, listening to my innocent little sweet pea chanting bitch like she was....well, me. All in all, I think I passed this parenting moment with flying colors. I mean I'm not a pro, but I'm holding my own here in wonderland.


  1. Wow, Alice has some really good logic! I probably would've stumbled a bit in responding to that. Nicely done, Mama! Sounds like you did a much better job than I did when Trin was little.

    The first bad word Trinity said was "piss." She was still tiny (probably a year and some change) and we came home to find that one of the dogs had peed in the house. I yelled to Josh, "Did you spill water or did one of the dogs piss in the house?" Trin started chanting, "Dog piss! Dog piss!" And I lost it laughing. Double oops.

    Ironically, Josh's best friend's name is Chris, and Gabe can't say that. So he calls him Unka (Uncle) Piss. We do laugh at that one. His girlfriend Jordie is "Shorty," so it's not just Chris who gets singled out.

    I've heard Gabe say "damnit" when he gets frustrated, too. But now I've mastered the whole "be the adult and play it cool" thing and keep the giggling on the inside, and tell him he's not allowed to use that word.

    So, basically, I'm a terrible person. But slightly less terrible than I used to be. Ha!

  2. You definitely made it through a parenting milestone. I don't know if I could have kept the giggles inside of me!

  3. I have to say, I'm still laughing about this. Here's my best-kid-swearing story:

    I used to babysit for this great family down the street. They had a girl (3) and a boy (1). One summer, the little girl got to be a flower girl in a family wedding. I went along to help out with the kids and walk them the 3 blocks back to their house afterwards so the parents could stay for the party.

    Picture the bride looking stunning in her white gown, the groom beaming with love, the wedding party posed perfectly and an angelic little girl holding her basket of flower petals that had been refilled for the photos. Now picture a breeze blowing through, not a big one- just enough to blow some of the petals from the little girls basket. The photographer was poised and ready to snap the picture with the petals floating down ever so gracefully when the little girl yelled, "Oh shit!!!" Everyone lost it. Best photo ever!

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