Hell Weekend Do-Over

I'm a glutton for punishment. It's the only logical explanation. You recall hell weekend, right? I've agreed to a do-over.

Shaking my head in disbelief.

Tomorrow morning we will load beach chairs and sand toys, suitcases and duffle bags into my new car (yup, I finally got the new car. Another post, another day.) I will drive us nearly three hours to attempt to have a relaxing few days.

I used to be a faithful Oprah viewer and I can still hear her, "When you know better, you do better." I'm not sure if this exactly falls under that quote, but I know better than to expect the next few days to be a breeze. In order to fully embrace realism, I give to you my expectations for the next few days.

• I expect Alice to force herself to stay awake on the ride to the beach. We will leave home at nap time and do everything under the sun to provide optimal sleeping conditions. She still will not sleep. Hatta and I will threaten severe punishment if she doesn't allow her body to fall asleep. No nap will be taken by Alice. She will start our "vacation" tired and irritable. Hatta and I will start our "vacation" stressed and on edge.
• Alice will not eat for two and a half days. Food will be prepared for her that isn't identical in color, texture, and consistency to the foods I prepare for her at home. Family members will beg Alice to eat, convincing her that she is running the show and calling the shots. I will spend double the days when we return home reminding Alice that she is in fact NOT in charge.
• Sleep will be lost. Alice will stay up too late and wake up too early. Unfortunately, the same will be true for Hatta and I. Sleep deprived Alice will become grumpier and bossier as the days pass. I will spend an equal number of days trying to help her catch up on sleep when we return home.

Oh friends, I think I'm having my very own Aha! moment right this second. Pertaining to this trip, I think I fully understand the quote. I know better than to expect this trip to go smoothly, so I won't. I will not stress about it. I know how it's going to shake down, why do I get upset when it goes exactly how I predicted?

So let me try again, now that I'm all enlightened and shit. My expectations for the next few days...

• I will enjoy the long drive in my new car. I will caress the new leather and learn the feel of all the buttons. I will provide Alice with hours of video to watch in hopes of not hearing a peep out of her.
• I will eat well. Screw everyone else!
• I will sunbath on the beach and allow everyone else to ensure Alice's safety.
• I will drink good beer and wine. No Coors light and Ménage a Trois Red for me.
• I will drink good beer and wine often.
• I will drink a lot of good beer and wine.

Wish me luck!

The Napping House Where Nobody Is Sleeping

Alice still "naps." And by "naps" I mean around 1 o'clock we read books, I tuck her in bed, and as soon as she hears me descend the first stair step she gets out of bed, turns on the light and resumes playing whatever magical game I so rudely interrupted. Whether or not she naps is up to her, but she's shut in her room for nearly two hours. It's been like this for at least a year.

"Does she still nap?" is a question I'm asked a lot. I'm not sure why people are so enthralled with my child's napping habits, but clearly they are. It's a guarantee, when I tell them that even though I think she needs to nap, she probably only sleeps 2 out of 7 naps, the people have their opinions.

"She has too many distractions in her room. Here's what you need to do. Remove all of her toys and books. Then she'll have no choice but to sleep."

Really, Einstein? It's that simple. Why, oh why did I never think of that? Now tell me, when she starts using the clothes in her dresser as her own fashion show, what then? Am I supposed to remove her dresser as well? And when she resorts to counting and playing with her toes? Cut 'em off? I have tried this "bare bones solution." It doesn't work.

"Well, maybe this is her way of telling you she's growing up and doesn't need to nap anymore. Maybe mommy just needs to accept that nap time is over."

Brilliant. That has to be it! Just a sec though, when she's melting down around 4 o'clock every day because her brain just can't function anymore and she's tripping over her own feet because her body can't keep going, please do tell, what's your address so I can drive her to your house and you can entertain her delightfulness? My child still needs to nap. Without a doubt.

"You aren't tiring her out. From the moment she wakes up, you need to be providing her with physical stimulation so when nap time rolls around she's exhausted."

Let me get this straight, if I take her for a dog walk, a bike ride to the playground, and a trip to the bouncy house all before lunch time, that ought to do it, right? I've done that, and she didn't nap. The amount of energy she exerts is not related to the amount she sleep.

This is Alice. Some days she allows her body to sleep and some days she doesn't. A few days ago, I went in Alice's room during nap time to ever so kindly yell remind her to lay down and go to sleep. She wasn't in her bed or her chair, but her closet door was shut. She has a small cubby in her closet and it's the only hiding place in her room. I, assuming she was hiding, decided not to feed into her game and quietly left her room. At 5 o'clock, I returned to fetch her. Nap time never lasts past 5 unless I'm reading a life stopping trilogy. I walked into her room and still no Alice. I opened her closet and there she was huddled in the corner, asleep. When I roused her I asked the obvious, "why were you sleeping in your closet? Were you reading and you fell asleep."

"No Mama. There was a bug. In my room. I was hiding from it. You know, bugs can't get you in your closet."

So, the next time some well meaning old lady suggests my daughter has too much stimulation in her room. I'll likely retort, "Or not enough bugs. A faulty ant farm might fix my napping problem.

The Drive that Drove Me Mad

My husband and I grew up in the same town, about a 3 hour drive from where we currently live. A good percentage of both our families still live there. We visit often. We have the packing and driving with a child down to a science. Remember in grade school when you made the volcano with backing soda and vinegar and it exploded all over the kitchen? Yeah, that kind of science.

Since it was Easter we decided to head back home, visit our families and have an Easter egg hunt with my sister and her almost 2 year old daughter. Two days before we were set to leave I get a text from my sister.

Sis: Do you ignore a child in the car when they say mommy over and over again after you've already answered?

Me: Yes

Me: I tell Alice, it's nap time mama and papa will not be talking to you anymore. And that's it.

Sis: We obviously do not have the system down for traveling.

Me: With travel, we do our best to drive in the nap time range. And that's the goal. We talk to each other minimally, we listen to mellow music, we don't eat until she falls asleep.

Sis: I love your rules!!!



Let me just take a moment of silence to listen to the laughter singing out in my head.



As you have guessed, the car ride did not go as planned. It started out well. She was tired, had her lovey friend. The rules were being followed. About forty minutes in, I started to become concerned. I checked the rear view, she was yawning.

Okay. Good. She'll fall asleep soon and still get a 2 hour nap.

Thirty minutes passed by. Still awake. She was making sounds that I imagine very large frogs make. Not quite a ribbit, something more growly but still from the frog family. It was obvious, Alice was actively trying to keep herself awake.

New tactic, we switched the iPod to Jack Johnson. No offense to Jack, but his music seems to help her sleep. Twenty minutes later, still awake. At that point, I turned around and ever so slightly yelled to Alice.

"This is eenough!! You need to go to sleep! You are going to be so grumpy. If you don't take a nap you will have to go bed early and you will not get to play with your grandparents. Now hold Peter Pan, sit still, look out the window, and fall asleep!!"

That's sure to work, right? Nope. Half hour later she was still awake and kicking the passenger seat. Occasionally thrashing in her car seat as if she was possessed. Blurting out random screams, which I can only imagine were intended to wake her sleepy ass up. It was bad. I think I may have turned Rage Against the Machine on at a volume loud enough to drown her out. I had stopped looking in the rear view at her, it was only infuriating me to watch her eyes get progressively more tired as her body grew more and more crazy.

And the I nearly hit a motorcycle.

She was holding Peter Pan (who, by the way, is just a brown stuffed bear wearing a Santa hat and a red scarf) above her head, waving it all around. I couldn't properly see out of the mirror and I just barely missed the motorcycle when I changed lanes.

Aw yeah...it's smack down time!

I reached behind, ripped the bear from her hands, and threw it in my husbands lap.

"I will not tell you again to sit still and go to sleep! If you choose not to sleep and contine this crazy nonsense trying to stay awake, when the Easter egg hunt starts you will have a time out! And your cousin will hunt for eggs without you!"

The crazy nonsense continued. It was horrible. I wanted to scream. At one point we discussed, quietly to ourselves, the merits of drugging a child with Benadryl. I seem to remember saying out loud how I was going to enjoy watching her in timeout. The trip was not a shining moment in our little world. But we got through it and eventually arrived at my grandparent's house.

And when the eggs had been hidden and both girls were outside in their pretty dresses with their baskets, my sister said, "okay, go ahead. Hunt for eggs!" I rather calmly picked Alice up and plopped her in a garden chair to watch her little cousin gather eggs without her.

"You're in time out because you were being naughty in the car. You knew it was nap time and instead you were being crazy, kicking and screaming," I so calmly told her.

And she sat there. The rest of the family thought I was the wicked witch, but dear, sweet Alice didn't. She understood. Three minutes later she was up hunting for eggs and life was good again, for all of us.

I do believe next time we decide to take that trip things will go much more smoothly...I hope. Please.

Oh, and I did enjoy it, just a little bit of satisfaction.