Sunday, September 9, 2012

Fading Dreams

I've been struggling lately with the notion of dreams and failures and what should have been and what could have been but wasn't. Years ago, when I was younger and full of hope, I imagined my life would turn out a certain way. I dreamed the white picket fence dream.

"Our house is a very, very, very fine house. With two cats in the yard, life used to be so hard. Everything is easy now 'cause of you."

I've been chasing my dream for over ten years. Every decision I've made since college has been working toward the goal, that white picket fence and everything it meant to me. Somewhere between then and now, I felt the dream slipping.

"Don't worry about a thing, 'cause every little thing is gonna be alright."

I continued on in the quest for my ideal life, ignoring the feeling that it was trickling through my grasp like grains of sand. I was so close to fulfilling my dream, if I just persevered I could make it happen. I couldn't admit defeat. This is my dream, after all. If I stop seeking it now...then what?

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run."

Is now the time? Is today the day my dream changes? We're supposed to play the hand we're dealt. Maybe I haven't been dealt the white picket fence. Maybe the dream I've been working so hard for isn't intended for me. And if I walk away from my dream, what takes its place?

So...I struggle. It's hard. I see my hand, I know I should fold, but I'm still playing the game. I don't want to give up on my desires. I don't even know how. I've wanted it so long, I simply can't imagine saying "Oh we'll. C'lest la vie," and moving on. Maybe moving on, formulating a new dream is some of the fear. I can't possibly let go of one dream unless I have another waiting in the wing. I can't wander around through life dreamless, an empty hole in my heart where hope used to reside.

I have no idea what's next for me. I have no profound enlightenment. Instead, I have more lyrics...from Animal Liberation Orchestra (ALO) a band I've enjoyed listening to since my dream formulation days.

"And in this life we're free to dream whatever we want to
But that doesn't mean that your dreams are gonna come true
Instead as a way of getting us to move
Life dangles your dreams in front of you
And unable to resist the temptation, we continue

And it's clear to me that this life is gonna be
All about the dangling possibilities that keep turning in and turning out
Yes it's clear to me that this life is gonna be
All about the dangling possibilities

The road is long and windy
Full of twists and turns
But before you can rise from the ashes
You've got to burn baby burn

Welcome to your barbeque
Where we roast all the dreams
That never came true
Welcome to your barbeque
Pig out and dream a new"

So...maybe one day soon I will officially invite you, fine friends to a kick ass barbeque. A dream roasting hootenanny!


  1. I relate to this so much more than you can possibly imagine. I chased my dreams for a very long time, knowing that I was simultaneously running them into the ground. Eventually, I had to let them go - as part of moving cross country for that picket fence you talk about. Except my picket fence was crashed into and my house burned down and this life that I surrendered everything else I once was for was in shambles. Still is far too often. I ask myself how I got here all the time, if this is where I am supposed to be, if it's too late to run after those dreams.

    Then I remember that my dreams aren't the ones I have to worry about anymore. The kids and their dreams have to be more important now. I may not have exactly chosen this life, but they had no say at all. They are just along for this bumpy ride with me, and I have to do what I can to steady the car for them.

    Love to you, tonight.

    Someday, we'll have that BBQ.

    1. I think about that all the time how my dream will affect Alice. I can only pursue my dream if it's the best decision for her. Otherwise, it's time to pick a new dream. Now I just need to use my crystal ball to view into the future and see if she's happy.

  2. I know exactly how you feel. I'm going through that right now, too. It's so hard to watch your dreams slip away, and it's hard to figure out what your NEW dreams should be. Good luck to you in figuring out what you want and what you need.

    1. I'll be sure to invite you to the barbeque when I set a date, we can pig out together.

  3. Okay I'm spotifying that song right now.

    I know what you mean. I mean. How do you give up on what you've always sought? What happens when you get what you've wanted and realized its not really what you want? I have no idea how to come to terms with that.

    1. I have no clue. Things don't always appear to be what they are, what we think we want is not always what we need.

      The songs called Barbeque.

  4. Count me in on the Dream Roast... I've adapted and improvised my ongoing Dream(s) numerous times so I can totally relate to your dilemma. Morphing Dreams ensure that Hope lingers, maybe not in it's original form, but in any form it still gives something to look forward to and Challenges expansion of the Vision, options and the possibilities. But I am tenacious about not Letting Go of those seemingly impossible Dreams entirely... Bora Bora is still on my 'Bucket List'... along with some other long delayed Dreams. But if you're gonna Dream, Dream BIG I always say... Dawn... The Bohemian