Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Spew Venom

This will be a very cryptic post and for that I give you a million apologies. If you find yourself lost and struggling to make sense, I will not be offended if you take a pass and come back tomorrow. But, dear readers, sometimes I write for cathartic purposes. Maybe the letters that make up today's post are better suited for a journal. Forgive me, publishing to this blog is all I know...

My heart struggled to keep beating. For that moment, reading those words, it wanted to stop. I felt it. So deep in my chest it physically hurt. A pain like no other pain. With those six simple words the reality of the situation came flooding back. I stared at my phone, unable to move, the letters staring back at me. I wanted to run as fast as I could, escape the pain and the heartache. I wanted to be somebody else.

I read the words again, trying to find different meaning in them. My heart wanted to rip the sender to shreds for the pain. The phone on the other end of the letters had to have known the agony those simple words would cause within me. I wanted to lash out. I wanted the suffering to be felt by others. Misery doesn't just love company, it needs it. It thrives on it.

But, I couldn't do it. I couldn't spew venom, as much as my heart was begging me to. My heart needed the release. Just as two wrongs don't make a right, causing pain to others never makes me feel better. Over the years I have learned the pain my words can cause. The rage within me comes out so eloquently. The venomous words flow like water from my mouth. Within a heartbeat, the damage of my diatribe is done.

I couldn't do it. Ultimately, I cared. I felt pain because the situation had betrayed me. Not the person. I composed myself. Let out two pounds of a sigh and acknowledged those six words. I didn't run. I didn't bitterly attack. I suppose I'm still a work in progress, but I am making improvements.

14 comments:

  1. I don't know what is going on, but I know this: you are strong, your heart is good and pure, and you will get through this, whatever it is. xo

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    1. Thankfully it's not as big as it seems, it just hurt big.

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  2. Ouch. Sounds like something really nasty and personal. And it sounds like the person in question had to be the bearer of bad news. Hope they can also be a loving supporter, because it sounds like you need one. Hope everything gets better for you!!

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    1. Thank you. Rest assured, the bearer is also one of my biggest supporters. But this time, the support from the blogosphere was exactly what I needed.

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  3. I don't know you at all - but I know where you are (psychologically, not in a stalker way) and I've been in that same place too often in the past few months. Whatever it is, it will end. It always ends, and "we" always learn a lesson from each time it happens - and maybe that's just that we can get through, we can survive, and we can get past the bad things. I'm sending you lots of good wishes because that's all I can do, but please know that someone is thinking about you.

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    1. The hardest part for me is remembering the lessons I've learned. I have the tendency to forget, needing to be reminded painfully time after time.

      By the way, I've always wanted a stalker ;)

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  4. hugs, mamma. just breath. sometimes, that's literally all we can do.

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    1. I did. And I wrote. Letters make words to calm my mind.

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  5. I don't know you and just started reading your blog. I do know that it takes a strong person to know that two wrongs don't make a right, to know that no good comes of lashing out while you're in pain. You sound like a strong person and I wish you the best to help you through whatever it is that life has thrown your way.

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    1. Its taken me 32 years to learn no good comes from me lashing out. I suppose better late than never.

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