I haven't written in a week. I haven't read a book in months. I haven't been to the gym in an equal number of months. I've cooked a handful of "real" dinners in many more months. I haven't finished any of the projects I've started in a very long time. Hearing all of this, I have a sister that would be whispering the dreaded D word, suggesting maybe I seek help.
depression
I don't know if she's right. Maybe she is. Maybe she's not. Personally, I don't even know if it matters. I know I have the power to fix all of this laziness. See, that's the thing, I see all of the above as a laziness rut. I was successfully blogging, reading, exercising, and laughing not so long ago. Things weren't great then and things aren't great now. The only difference, I stopped holding myself accountable. I stopped demanding more of myself. I allowed the holidays to be one great big excuse.
I thought 2013 would be a swift kick in the ass. I'm afraid I was wrong. Even though my actions haven't changed much, I have felt a mental shift trying to take hold. I've used my crockpot a few times recently. I've been baking. I've renewed my gym membership. And today I start reading again. I'm taking a class at Alice's school on promoting social emotional competence in children and my friends I'm required to read a book. Slowly but surely I'm taking control of my actions. I don't know if I'll be able to shed the D word from some people's perception of me. Like I said, maybe they are right. But, with every post I write, every mile I run, every chapter I read I feel better.
You've got people rooting for you. I have been stuck in a very bad place for a while, and have resisted calling it what it probably is. I do know this...writing helps me. Exercise helps me. Just getting outside into the sunlight helps me. I tend to gravitate to water, and it always has this way of cheering me up. Hang in there girl, you got this.
ReplyDeleteI'm rooting for you, too! I've started reading your blog because I've enjoyed your comments here, and I think you're pretty awesome.
DeleteYou know, a lot of philosophers describe life as a wheel, with joy at the top and despair at the bottom. And it is constantly in motion, it can't hold still. Finding peace means learning to accept when the wheel dips, it dips, but it won't last. Don't beat yourself up for where you are now. Maybe it's where you need to be.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great 100th post! You've not only decided that you need to change the way things are right now, but you're actually doing something about it. That's a huge thing and you should be proud of yourself. Although it might not seem like much from your point of view, I find a post like this extremely inspiring. If you can pull yourself out of a rut (be it due to depression or not) then why shouldn't I try, too?
ReplyDelete